Dear Mom

The last few weeks I've been trying to figure out how best to deal with your anniversary. I'd really like to forget it ever happened, but how can I possibly do that when you were such a big part of my life? I don’t want to sit around moping either – you’d kick my ass if I did – so I thought I’d write you a letter. I still can't believe it’s been a year already. Where has the time gone?

Dad sold the house in the spring. And it sold so fast! He should have asked for more money! Cleaning out the house was really hard; you were everywhere. The basement wasn't as bad as you thought it was, though. There was definitely some stuff down there but it only took an afternoon or 2 to sort through it. Most of it went to Goodwill or the garbage – why were you hanging onto a broken toaster?  We had a yard sale to help clear out some of the salable stuff, and dad made enough money to treat himself to a new chair. Don’t worry, it’s not one of those God awful puffy looking ones. Apparently dad doesn't like them either. You trained him well, mama  ;)

Dad seems to like his new apartment. It’s certainly the nicest one we looked at, and the rent is perfect. It’s a little on the small side but he’s done a good job of making things fit. And he’s even put his handy skills to work and fixed up a few things already. No duct tape, or none that I’m away of anyway. He’s got some great decorating ideas – he knows what a valance is, mom! He’s still got a few boxes to unpack, but they’re mainly filled with pictures… Hard to look at them… Buddy is adjusting quite well. I thought he’d be barking constantly, but it’s like he knows he’s supposed to be quiet. I think he misses you. Whenever I leave for the weekend he whines and paws at me more than he used to. I think he’s afraid I might not come back…

Attley just turned 1. She’s 1 already, mom! I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that David had a kid! You’d be so proud of David – he’s such a great dad. He has a good mix of your practicality and dads rubber arms. You should see him with her it’s so adorable. I think becoming a father has softened him a bit. Since she has my middle name I know my opinion is biased, but Attley is the cutest baby ever. She’s so beautiful – I wish you could have met her. She looks so much like David, and there’s something about the way she smiles that reminds me of you. She’s been a blessing amid the chaos of the last year. Her Grandpa Don is so sweet with her. Seeing dad with her… I hope dad was that way with me when I was that little. I’m guessing he was since I’m such a Daddy’s Girl.

Aunt Colleen is doing okay. She and I went to the Green Haven benefit on Mother's Day and had a lovely time. It was difficult not being there with you, but I thought it was a nice way to remember you. And Aunt Penny…. If it wasn't for her I don’t know how dad and I would have made it through the last year. Helping to clean out the house, packing and moving dad, listening to me when I just can’t keep it together… She’s been amazing. You definitely have an awesome sister. She was likely cursing you in March, though: your tax return was such a nightmare she had to take it to a pro!

As for me…. Same old, same old boring life. I've been slowly redecorating my apartment. The bathroom is done, but the livingroom still needs a few things. Between Winners and Target I’m getting it done. Wish I had my shopping buddy around, though – it’s hard to make furniture decisions without you, especially when I can’t read a tape measure. Now that things are finding a new normal, I’m trying to spend more time with friends. Still visiting dad on the occasional weekend, too, don’t worry. Work is pretty much the same, but I am working on more interesting projects so I’m pretty happy with that. Health wise I’m doing okay. I had my annual “mole patrol” last week and it went well – time for new shoes! And that other thing that happened a few weeks ago… I heard you nagging at me so I did it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it!

I went out to Alberta to surprise Dave for his birthday this year. We had a lovely visit. I met Dave and family in Edmonton and we drove through the mountains, visiting Banff and Jasper via the Icefields Parkway. You and dad weren’t kidding when you said it was beautiful. I didn't know if Dave would like the driving, but he didn’t want to go home! I even got a great pic of Dave and I; it’s framed and in my livingroom.

We spent a few days in the mountains, and then headed back to his place. He really does live in the middle of nowhere, but it’s nice and quiet so I can see why he likes it. On Dave’s birthday Kenz made a surf and turf dinner, and we even got him an ice cream cake to keep with tradition. He showed me where he worked and tried his best to explain his job but I’m still not sure I get it. Something about pulling pipes out the ground… I spent lots of time snuggling with Attley and Sothea, and before long it was time to leave. It’s so hard saying goodbye to Dave; I cry every time.

There have been a lot of firsts since you left us. Thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmas... Each of them with their own challenges. For Thanksgiving I didn’t know what to do. I’ve always loved Thanksgiving. Not only did you make the most amazing dinner, but it was a lovely time to spend with my family. I wasn’t going to do anything, but at the last minute decided to make a semi-Thanksgiving dinner for dad and I. I kinda felt a kick in the pants and just did it – I  have a feeling that was your foot I felt. No turkey, but I did make ham and scalloped potatoes for the first time… and it was actually really good! For birthdays we did something small. Dad and I exchanged presents and I bought a small cake to share, and on your birthday we went to Theo’s and toasted you over Alfredo Al Forno.  And then there was Christmas… I think dad and I spent the better part of the morning crying, and then headed to Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob's for a lovely dinner. Darren brought champagne and wine, and mixed with my cold medication it was a lovely way to get through a very hard day. It was so hard without you… You brought so much joy and love to the holidays that to have it without you broke my heart. I know you probably hated it, but dad and I couldn’t bring ourselves to even decorate the house. I’m sure in time we will find new traditions, but for now we’re taking it slow.

Overall I think you’d be pretty proud of us. We all have our moments of course, but for the most part I think we’re pretty good. I worry about Dave sometimes. I think he regrets not being here in the end, but I hope he understands why you left when you did. Dad surprises me all the time; he’s doing laundry, cooking, paying bills…  He’s a good man, mom. One of the things I miss the most is being able to talk to you about my day. Dad listens, but you know dad: he’s really watching the baseball game... or the damn wrestling! And I really miss having someone to call when I need cooking advice. But each day gets a little easier. I still have my rough days, but they are farther apart and filled with so many memories.

Well I think that’s it for now. I hope you’re in a better place, at peace and listening to some Eric Clapton or BB King. We think of you often and will love you always. Make sure you’re around on Sundays, okay? Some day I will tackle the traditional Fletcher Sunday Night Dinner, and when I do I hope you’re looking over me to make sure I don’t burn the Yorkshire Pudding.